so, how's it going?

oh...must be me who's going to answer that. 

i'm entering day 6 of the cleanse - waiting for the salt water to flush through.  waiting.  waiting.  why wait?  !!  in this case, it's for an amazing benefit, that for 9 days now, i've felt blessed to get to experience.  physically, i feel revitalized.  cleaner.  fresher.  more energized.  that is one reason i wanted to do this cleanse.  before beginning this process, i felt my body wasn't responding to the food i ate or drank, or the exercise i performed, in a way that i expected.  something was clogged, for lack of a better term.  in addition, i was letting on the flip-side, emotionally, it was the same.  i had let stress build up to the point where physically i was feeling trapped, feeling immobile. 

my job was uninspiring - not because of the work that i was doing, but because of the leadership i was under.  since day one, there was absolutely no follow-through from my mentor in the development of the career i was seeking.  as for the work, even it was such a yo-yo effect of whether or not will funding be continued to keep my job, which was initially promised through Sept 2011, then through Dec. 2011, then, as recently as Dec 2010, was promised through February 2012.  this gave me plenty of time to switch gears - find my fit - since it was increasingly clear that laboratory research was not enough.  i'd wait to hear how the AAAS applications turned out (yesterday or today -- well, it wasn't yesterday, so...!!!) and then manage my career accordingly.  however, after the new year, and the continued delay in the project start date, i could no longer appreciate the false optimism my advisor kept out-pouring.  by mid-january, his optimism, even he could no longer believe.  sure enough, as of last week, march 2011 is my last month.   ....of course, until the government gives us the go ahead on the project....  geez louise.  same old story....

so, i am cleansing the stress that has build up over the last year from my job. 

i am also cleansing, i hope, an old love.  someone who has been in my life a little over two years now.  i have loved him deeply, very very deeply ... yet always felt it impossible to reach him at a level of understanding and desire that was reciprocal.  part of this was because we lived ~400 miles from each other.  but a much larger part, i believe, i felt, was his inability to truly embody the responsibility of taking care of somebody other than himself.  now he's whoring himself on an internet dating site, dating strangers 'til the cows come home -- where, when last we spoke last month, neither one of us wanted to let go of the other....  that, simply, isn't right.  i need to say goodbye.  as each day goes by, and there's no communication between us, why do i feel i still want to hang on?  what is there to hang on to?  i'm tired of asking these questions .... with no response.  why wait?  why fucking wait?

so...body, mind, and soul...increased efficiency, that is what i seek.  a weekend in a log cabin in the adirondacks will help.  4 + 3 more days of my physical cleansing treatment will help.  it has helped so much already.  my acceptance into the AAAS program will help....(do you hear that AAAS?  i think you should send me two acceptance letters today...i'd very much like that...)


'tschuB, for now....