warning: this is harsh

i wrote this tonight in response to a sweet friend asking me why i couldn't fall in love over the past four months.  the answer came as a release that needed to happen...for me...after my january 10th posting...and it happened hard...harder than ever before...tonight:

((january 3rd was the last time i got to talk to her in person -- in the hospital, after her blood clot to the brain -- with promises we would talk later, about what she wanted to share with us so we could remember her the way SHE wanted us to.  november 24th was the first time i really talked to her in 8 months, to hear of the fatal prognosis and her forthcoming battle.)) 

january 8th i get a horrible call at 4:30 in the morning saying that my mom is in critical condition.  i haul ass to long island.  i heard on the way that she got better.  yet i arrived to the hospital around 1pm to find tubes in her everywhere - EVERYWHERE - and she was drugged subconscious.  i could see she wanted to struggle into consciousness...if not just to say goodbye...for good...or maybe say she was scared...or maybe to say she was going to peace...or that she loved me.  but she couldn't say anything - those fucking tubes.   then i watched her every day thereafter get quieter and quieter -- even though the tubes and drugs made it seem like she was alive and just quite possibly improving.  it's amazing what we can hold on to when we really want to.  her body was doing strange things...changing for death, yet being forced to live.    January 11 at 1pm we pulled the tubes and the medicine.  at 5pm, my mom's heart stopped.  3 months exactly after her 66th birthday.  2 months - ONLY 2 months after she was diagnosed with cancer.  about a month after she started her chemo treatments that promised to let her be with us for FIVE. MORE. years.  January 16th was her funeral.  january 20th i drove to rochester. january 23rd my boss was being an asshole and i was fretting i wouldn't have a job when i returned from my mother's memorial.  january 27th i drove to long island. January 29th was my mom's memorial.  february 5th i return to rochester.  february 18 was the bout.  february 25th my car was totaled, my dog was injured, i was injured - i just wanted to buy lemons for my sister's birthday present.  huh.  february 28th was my sister's birthday, the first family holiday without my mom.  my sister was so sad.  i was sadder...for my sister.  february 29th i quit my job. march 2nd and 3rd i said goodbye to my car of 17 years...my foundation, my friend, my gyrl who carried me to my mother's death and back.  my car who had the perfect shelf on the back where ramona would lie even though she wasn't 5 months old anymore and could now barely fit (at 70 lbs).  but that spot was hers.  and that chin rest on the back seat head rest...hers.  that car took me and my first dog and cat, now both dead, here in rochester, across the united states for the first of many times...in the sweltering summer...through the south.
march 8th i drove to long island, in good company.  march 12...or 13th (timeline is getting fuzzy here) i drove back to rochester.  march 24th was a bout. march 25th was a scrimmage i wasn't allowed to skate in because i wasn't fucking good enough.   it's march 27th and i do not have a job.  my stepfather sits besides himself with grief and responsibility and pretending that everything can stay the same as when my mom was alive.  my mom is dead.  she is not here.  anymore.

one stop shop for all things family

the beauty about roller derby is that you can experience so much of life...all in one place.

i am driven to share this post today because three people of derby (two sisters and a husband and a brother in law) have embarked on creating a new life.  i am not very close friends with any of them.  in fact, i am relatively new to the roller derby crowd.  and as with most things in my life that i can just tell will mean a lot to me...i dip a toe and stay shy, stay quiet, be grossly meek...until i feel it safe and figure out where i belong.  but yet, all the meanwhile, externally, i dive right in wanting to be all helpful and important and contribute and all -- because it's clear to me that it's worth it.  yes, it makes for a difficult balance...and i feel the scales tipping ALL the time...in both directions.  woah.

((why do i always do this to myself?  ...her query laced with concern, a hint of frustration, yet always with a devilish eye))

but, with derby, it seems this process of figuring out and opening up...truly joining...has taken a lot longer than i expected.   at first i thought this because i was introduced into the world of derby feeling i already had a history there, one not comfortable and out of my control, creating an instant imbalance.   but i also think it's because there are so freakin' many facets to this world of derby -- and the fascination in wondering how they fit together...and fit together within me...is outrageous.  i now realize it matters not that i need to figure it out...ever.  there is room for everything...and nothing is categorized.  i love that the boundaries here are open.  the puzzle is edgeless.

so i can say that though i don't but barely know them, i DO know that i love them and that my heart joyfully sings out to them...with them...these three people who let derby envelop them and share in with them this special moment.

the family here is huge.  and to be part of that is special.  to me.

a tea morning

today is a tea morning.  i felt compelled to offer this.  time is short this morning, but it is also misty up top, clear, yet blustry, at the bottom.  fresh, nonetheless. and a little less than warm.

but last night.  last night.  i WAS proud. why do i get emotional at these bouts that i have been producing for the past two ones?  maybe because the mix of good for me, for them, for lots of others not even there...it is an awesome blend.  roller derby.  ah, it gets me every time.  but last night...last night....it was orchestrated perfectly.  and i was proud.  we got to help so many people from so many different places in their lives.  ...wanting to offer charity, awareness, homes, music.

wish i could say more, and no doubt i will, but now it's tea, me, the dog, and the trail in the back woods before i head to yet...more....derby.  ......mmm....

i changed my life today. it took a little more thought, and time, than expected.

my life begins anew today.  seriously.  that's how it feels.  that's how i feel.  these past few days have been particularly rough as i've rummaged the decision to release, finally, 6 years -- no, lots, lots more -- of something that has loaded my life, my humour, my conscience, my smile.  ah, why can't i tell you what?  my intention is not cryptic.  and apparently i still need to become a bit more comfortable with this....but i. am. free.

and he was right...it was as ridiculously easy as sending a couple of emails.  thank you, gonzolo.  our conversation last night was immensurate. 

but it wasn't easy...this thing that i did today.  when is such a cherished outcome ever easy...or simple?  ...or ridiculous?

why do we fight nature so?  honestly, what i did today was not an epiphany.  it was not a spur of the moment decision.  i knew it would make me happy.  i knew it.  ...so why did it take so long?  maybe because 4 months ago, my world, as i live it, was fundamentally, on so many levels, different.  my foundation has shifted...in at least 5 ways...and only 2 of which i had control. 


"everybody knows we live in a world where we don't give beautiful things a second glance."

that's not me.