so. So. i truly... ok, let me digress... already.
do you know what i just did? i peed. but just a little pee. i think i went to go pee because i wanted to procrastinate AGAIN in updating this blog. it has been toO long and i simply can't tell you how much has touched my life since my last blog in April -- some things wonderful, and recently some thing very sad, that has yet to unfold completely, and it scares me completely. but i am not going to tell you what it is just yet...or any of the wonderful things....because i've decided to move forward, at which all will eventually be revealed as i revel in the present.
first, derby. i am here now, and need to go soon to more of it (and i hope there's good music), so will not elaborate just yet, as i really want to get this post out.
second, is a list of the below. since i started *this* blog, i realized again that i love to write. i first knew it when i was an adolescent and wrote long letter after long letter to my grandma rinderknecht. i loved that form of communication. and now i love this. below is a list of short starts i wrote during the early month of november when i participated in a rebel writing project to just write. i wanted to write little somethings as they hit me...and then muse over them during a jog, or a walk about, and then revisit and post. i even dabbled at fiction...well...not really...i think that exercise was merely putting a he in place of me. ...because i often think about kissing...a lot...and so does this he character. regardless, here are the results of november; not much, but it was a necessary step in getting me back here:
scotch and a keyboard. it's going to be a long night. but heaven nonetheless. if you believe in that sort of thing. and i don't. not literally.
there is space in time that needs to be filled. ever have one of those feelings? i'm having them a lot more these past many months, and it's unsettling. not the wanderlust. oh no, never that. but the sensation that the dark is about to turn you into something you don't know. or worse, something you loathe, with a spirit (or several?) that pulls you in random directions you can actually sense yourself in each of these spaces...at the same time. that is unsettling. will you be able to feel yourself? to touch yourself? to caress yourself? another person? will you at least remember?
i want to be kissing somebody right now, he said while walking around the traffic circle, needing to stop and wait at every fucking intersection - there were eight of them. maybe that's too impossible for a traffic circle. something had just happened to induce all this traffic. he turned the corner and walked against the flow of the throngs of people, keeping his thoughts mesmerized in the purple ensconced tower just ahead. it was that time of day.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
candicity.
i am propped against a couch, no doubt from the 40s or 50s, sitting on a deflated air mattress that was my bed for the evening (and the next two...) -- tucked away in the computer room of my grandpa's house. i rest immediately across the hall from his bedroom, where he rests. i am glad.
the thunderstorm outside is powerful. beautifully, awesomely, utterly powerful. am i dreaming? breathe deeply. no, i am in heaven - a little part of heaven that i want to be in from 6:47am to whenever i finish this post, lie back down, and probably watch another stargate episode. it's really 5:48, St. Louis time. family's not up yet.
post post edit: when i spoke with my grandpa this morning about the thunderstorm, he said he slept through it -- but he went on to say that he, too, like me, loved listening to thunderstorms. he loved driving along roads in them -- roads that should only be covered by horseback during a thunderstorm. what a wonderful thought. i think there is a lot of my grandpa in me. his sense of adventure. of having fun. of loving and living life.
thunderstorms are, in part, a process of change - the cheering goodbye of one weather system as the next rumbles in - with subsequently a difference in the air, a new energy. i feel a lot of the same is happening to me.
today, i slept very well for the first time in about 5 or 6 days. i didn't get up at 4:24 or 3:38am and find myself not wanting to go back to sleep. i feel rested, ready. open.
i've been thinking a lot this week about being more candid with my thoughts and concerns. i've even practised it a few times -- and it felt damn good. just telling somebody what i was thinking instead of worrying about how to say it and what they were going to hear. i've been chatting with a new friend and making it a point to speak the first words that come to my mind as the thoughts flow in. translating the thoughts into words as they pop into my mind instead of giving them a full, often excruciating edit before they are spoken. it is releasing, and freeing. and funny. for the first time in a long time. i can be me. and somebody is listening. and reciprocating. oh smiles. innocence. happiness. a good change. try it.
i need to share one more story before i go. it's about being candid, for sure. the thunderstorm is quiet now, with the last flashes of lightening chasing behind the ever quiet and barely audible rumble of thunder.
rumble...how odd i chose that thought given what i will now relate.
this week in yoga class, we were doing shoulder stands, our butts in the air, moving feet slowly in patterns as the legs are allowed to drain, releasing back to the ground by slowly rolling over each vertebrae as the spine gets so delicately massaged. (...mmmm...) when doing this part, the coming down part, a few pockets of air slowly protuded through the seat of my pants. did i just fart? there was no preparatory sensation. no build up. just release - and only semi-quiet at that. my goodness. there was something in that yoga posture that completely relaxed and released something within -- so unvoluntarily, so freeingly. we went back up into a second shoulder stand. and a third. by god - it happened again, and again. i smiled on the inside, mildly embarrassed, on several levels. the obvious level, of course - and another level i will keep private, because it doesn't concern just me.
candicity (my new word - it means being candid). we should all do a little more of it.
the thunderstorm outside is powerful. beautifully, awesomely, utterly powerful. am i dreaming? breathe deeply. no, i am in heaven - a little part of heaven that i want to be in from 6:47am to whenever i finish this post, lie back down, and probably watch another stargate episode. it's really 5:48, St. Louis time. family's not up yet.
post post edit: when i spoke with my grandpa this morning about the thunderstorm, he said he slept through it -- but he went on to say that he, too, like me, loved listening to thunderstorms. he loved driving along roads in them -- roads that should only be covered by horseback during a thunderstorm. what a wonderful thought. i think there is a lot of my grandpa in me. his sense of adventure. of having fun. of loving and living life.
thunderstorms are, in part, a process of change - the cheering goodbye of one weather system as the next rumbles in - with subsequently a difference in the air, a new energy. i feel a lot of the same is happening to me.
today, i slept very well for the first time in about 5 or 6 days. i didn't get up at 4:24 or 3:38am and find myself not wanting to go back to sleep. i feel rested, ready. open.
i've been thinking a lot this week about being more candid with my thoughts and concerns. i've even practised it a few times -- and it felt damn good. just telling somebody what i was thinking instead of worrying about how to say it and what they were going to hear. i've been chatting with a new friend and making it a point to speak the first words that come to my mind as the thoughts flow in. translating the thoughts into words as they pop into my mind instead of giving them a full, often excruciating edit before they are spoken. it is releasing, and freeing. and funny. for the first time in a long time. i can be me. and somebody is listening. and reciprocating. oh smiles. innocence. happiness. a good change. try it.
i need to share one more story before i go. it's about being candid, for sure. the thunderstorm is quiet now, with the last flashes of lightening chasing behind the ever quiet and barely audible rumble of thunder.
rumble...how odd i chose that thought given what i will now relate.
this week in yoga class, we were doing shoulder stands, our butts in the air, moving feet slowly in patterns as the legs are allowed to drain, releasing back to the ground by slowly rolling over each vertebrae as the spine gets so delicately massaged. (...mmmm...) when doing this part, the coming down part, a few pockets of air slowly protuded through the seat of my pants. did i just fart? there was no preparatory sensation. no build up. just release - and only semi-quiet at that. my goodness. there was something in that yoga posture that completely relaxed and released something within -- so unvoluntarily, so freeingly. we went back up into a second shoulder stand. and a third. by god - it happened again, and again. i smiled on the inside, mildly embarrassed, on several levels. the obvious level, of course - and another level i will keep private, because it doesn't concern just me.
candicity (my new word - it means being candid). we should all do a little more of it.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
the things that happen.
do you ever find yourself caught in a moment where you are looking upon or thinking about something, a familiar something, in a way you've never thought to see it before? a rogue perspective, a different perspective. it's more than just "thinking outside the box" - it's about learning, and adapting - creating a conversation within yourself of what you once learned and what you are learning now.
i received two gifts of ordinary objects last week from an old friend. one was an out-of-print first edition, two volumes, of hiking the appalachian trail, plus a book about hiking the pacific crest trail. now, he didn't give me these books because he new my love for backpacking -- he let me borrow them because of what he thought unique about each one of those books - and their perspectives - that he wanted to share with me. i was thrilled, and deeply touched, mainly because i love to share, but also because he had that extra thought in his mind specifically about how i would experience something.
but can this wanting to share get me into trouble? i was at a bar the other evening, listening to a very creative banjo player. a man approached me and we started to chat. i'd bought a CD and paid $5 extra because the musician had no change. this man bought a CD but paid a little less because he didn't have enough cash. once we shared this story, and than man found out that he could buy a CD because of me - all things balance in the end - he offered to buy me a beer. at first i said no -- i'd already had one and i wasn't there to drink, but then decided that sure this man can buy me a beer because i wanted to continue to experience this interaction. he went off, and i continued to sway to the music. the man came back, i took the beer, we clinked bottles. i took a drink. i was at peace. after about 5 minutes. i thought jumped into my mind...i did not watch this guy get me the drink, did he put something in it? should i continue to drink it? i found this upsetting, because it was a learned response, not a feeling response. i felt no caution when talking to him before. i felt kindness in sharing our small interaction of this world. i decided this was not a instance where caution had to prevail.
last week, in preparation for my drive to long island to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew - just in from japan, i took my '95 jetta in for an oil change - and whatever else it needed (it's a grand 'ole car). it'd been a while (~6 months) since i'd taken a long drive. upon checking out, jeff, the head mechanic/shop owner, mentioned i should write a book about the travels of my car. he keeps tabs on my trips - chuckling every time i tell him where i'm taking my 15 year old car. this, too, makes me chuckle. and he's right -- the trips that car has taken...and the many passengers with me (mostly dogs) -- documentation is in order. not right now, though.
i was up in the woods close to my home the other day - at day fall. i was standing upon the highest hill in rochester, looking down upon the city roads that i traveled many times in all sorts of weather, daylight, and dark. this time, through the leafless trees, i saw the streets lit by streetlamps. it took me a while to identify which were which, because it was different looking at them from this perspective. it was fascinating. it was mesmerizing. pretty. i felt different. i felt interesting.
upon walking away from the hill, toward home, a old rattling car turned the corner in front of me. the exhaust, the oldness, reminded me of the blue hornet we kids were shuttle around in by my mother. another smile. another deep memory. another new thought of an old familiar something.
one last change of a growing thought: my nephew at 3. my nephew at 2. beautiful always. ever changing.
i received two gifts of ordinary objects last week from an old friend. one was an out-of-print first edition, two volumes, of hiking the appalachian trail, plus a book about hiking the pacific crest trail. now, he didn't give me these books because he new my love for backpacking -- he let me borrow them because of what he thought unique about each one of those books - and their perspectives - that he wanted to share with me. i was thrilled, and deeply touched, mainly because i love to share, but also because he had that extra thought in his mind specifically about how i would experience something.
but can this wanting to share get me into trouble? i was at a bar the other evening, listening to a very creative banjo player. a man approached me and we started to chat. i'd bought a CD and paid $5 extra because the musician had no change. this man bought a CD but paid a little less because he didn't have enough cash. once we shared this story, and than man found out that he could buy a CD because of me - all things balance in the end - he offered to buy me a beer. at first i said no -- i'd already had one and i wasn't there to drink, but then decided that sure this man can buy me a beer because i wanted to continue to experience this interaction. he went off, and i continued to sway to the music. the man came back, i took the beer, we clinked bottles. i took a drink. i was at peace. after about 5 minutes. i thought jumped into my mind...i did not watch this guy get me the drink, did he put something in it? should i continue to drink it? i found this upsetting, because it was a learned response, not a feeling response. i felt no caution when talking to him before. i felt kindness in sharing our small interaction of this world. i decided this was not a instance where caution had to prevail.
last week, in preparation for my drive to long island to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew - just in from japan, i took my '95 jetta in for an oil change - and whatever else it needed (it's a grand 'ole car). it'd been a while (~6 months) since i'd taken a long drive. upon checking out, jeff, the head mechanic/shop owner, mentioned i should write a book about the travels of my car. he keeps tabs on my trips - chuckling every time i tell him where i'm taking my 15 year old car. this, too, makes me chuckle. and he's right -- the trips that car has taken...and the many passengers with me (mostly dogs) -- documentation is in order. not right now, though.
i was up in the woods close to my home the other day - at day fall. i was standing upon the highest hill in rochester, looking down upon the city roads that i traveled many times in all sorts of weather, daylight, and dark. this time, through the leafless trees, i saw the streets lit by streetlamps. it took me a while to identify which were which, because it was different looking at them from this perspective. it was fascinating. it was mesmerizing. pretty. i felt different. i felt interesting.
upon walking away from the hill, toward home, a old rattling car turned the corner in front of me. the exhaust, the oldness, reminded me of the blue hornet we kids were shuttle around in by my mother. another smile. another deep memory. another new thought of an old familiar something.
one last change of a growing thought: my nephew at 3. my nephew at 2. beautiful always. ever changing.
Monday, March 21, 2011
hope.
2010 has to be my favorite stargate episode thus far -- on so many levels. one, i was saddened by carter marrying somebody not jack. (yes, i'm a sucker for romanticism.) so, that she wanted to change history -- there's now hope that she and her hubby never meet. ...that she would so blatantly prevent mass birth control and mass suicide/genocide in lieu of the love that she knew...tells me...what does this tell me? that love is secondary to all logical reasoning? hmmmm...i don't agree with that so much. ;-)
two, during the taping of this show - 10 years ago in 2000 - they depicted a very futuristic setting would occur in as little as 10 years. ...and i happen to be living in that future right now -- and it is almost no different than in 2000. ;-)
three, it made me smile - and today is a good day for a smile.
four, though it is a TV show - and i am surprised at myself at my attraction to this TV show - them going back in time through the stargate to talk to themselves -- just makes me feel all giddy inside.
;-)
gosh -- what a strange post this is.....
two, during the taping of this show - 10 years ago in 2000 - they depicted a very futuristic setting would occur in as little as 10 years. ...and i happen to be living in that future right now -- and it is almost no different than in 2000. ;-)
three, it made me smile - and today is a good day for a smile.
four, though it is a TV show - and i am surprised at myself at my attraction to this TV show - them going back in time through the stargate to talk to themselves -- just makes me feel all giddy inside.
;-)
gosh -- what a strange post this is.....
Sunday, March 20, 2011
gotta love that cayenne pepper...
hmmmm.....the below about cayenne, i wrote quite a while ago, then went MIA with this blog before it was complete. who cares about complete? i do need to revisit this blog site - and i shall - tonight. remind me. but now i am to embark on a 9-mile hike.
...and my novelty fun with cayenne still exists....who knew?
i'm on a strict OJ diet today (not today - this was written exactly a month ago), but feel compelled to include a dash or two of cayenne. yum. did y'all know cayenne is considered a superfood? It is a very high source of vitamin A, C and B-Complexes.It is also rich in calcium and potassium. Cayenne helps the entire digestive system. It has been used for cramping pains and gas. It is great for constipation and helps with elimination. Cayenne can help rebuild the tissue in the stomach and the peristaltic action in the intestines. It aids assimilation, and helps the body to create hydrochloric acid, which is so necessary for good digestion and assimilation, especially of proteins. All this becomes very significant when we realize that the digestive system plays the most important role in mental, emotional and physical health, as it is through the digestive system that the brain, glands, muscles and every other part of the body are fed and cleansed. Improved circulation. There is no other herb which increases your blood flow faster than cayenne. Cayenne moves blood. It is a circulatory tonic and helps improve circulation. It is thought that cayenne helps reduce cholesterol and triglycerides, thus promoting a healthy vascular system. Metabolism booster. More blood means more oxygen racing through your body.
there are some serious questions i've been debating today:
sugar
caffeine
job continuance if i get offered.
...and my novelty fun with cayenne still exists....who knew?
i'm on a strict OJ diet today (not today - this was written exactly a month ago), but feel compelled to include a dash or two of cayenne. yum. did y'all know cayenne is considered a superfood? It is a very high source of vitamin A, C and B-Complexes.It is also rich in calcium and potassium. Cayenne helps the entire digestive system. It has been used for cramping pains and gas. It is great for constipation and helps with elimination. Cayenne can help rebuild the tissue in the stomach and the peristaltic action in the intestines. It aids assimilation, and helps the body to create hydrochloric acid, which is so necessary for good digestion and assimilation, especially of proteins. All this becomes very significant when we realize that the digestive system plays the most important role in mental, emotional and physical health, as it is through the digestive system that the brain, glands, muscles and every other part of the body are fed and cleansed. Improved circulation. There is no other herb which increases your blood flow faster than cayenne. Cayenne moves blood. It is a circulatory tonic and helps improve circulation. It is thought that cayenne helps reduce cholesterol and triglycerides, thus promoting a healthy vascular system. Metabolism booster. More blood means more oxygen racing through your body.
there are some serious questions i've been debating today:
sugar
caffeine
job continuance if i get offered.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
the past 13 days...
this post recounts my trials, but really no tribulations, over the past 10 days of the cleanse. i want to share some moments of clarity, or otherwise, that happened along the way.
day -3 (a thursday) --> i already wrote my reasons for starting this detox. in case i left anything out: 1) the novelty of it -- i'd just become aware a thing called a detox cleanse, and having never tried anything like this, i thought it intriguing and right on time, because 2) work was becoming quite stressful with the yoyo-ing of having a job, or not, or yes, or no + the lack of inspiration on the projects i was being mentored toward + no way in sight to fulfill my interests. for a while now - actually, i remember the exact moment - November 2010 - coming down from a two-high-peak climb - i knew that academic research was not an environment in which i wanted to spend my career. it took me a while to admit that -- but it is now clear as day. 3) i needed to restructure my mentality and emotions about a few people in my life -- say goodbye to the old, hello to the new and more fulfilling -- or something like that ((...as it never really works that way)). so...physically, mentally, and emotionally, there was some work to do.
day -3 (thursday) --> this was nothing more than eating raw foods. i focused on bananas and salad and almonds. yum. normal. no big deal. i think i had pickled beets on my lunch salad. ooops...
day -2 (friday) --> mmmm....the first all liquid day. basical raw foods - liquified. yum...although i juiced at the end of the day a concoction that was quite gray -- there was no way i could finish it. in prep for the master cleanse in two days, i went shopping for lemons..... i cringed at the price of lemons at Abundance, a local co-op and organic/health food store that i (used to) like to shop at. abundance is always expensive, i was prepared for that - but $0.99 a SINGLE lemon!!! come on! that's highway robbery! so i only bought 5. i didn't really know how much i would need. note to rochesterians master cleansers -- don't by lemons at Abundance.
day -1 (saturday) --> oh! my favorite of all so far -- and TOMORROW (no..TODAY!!!) i get to do it again!!! fresh squeezed orange juice - ALL day - All you can eat. yes, EAT - because the pulpy pulp goodness makes it so much mere besser!!! mmmm....this day was divine. after the 7 mile snowshoe - including a tense 2 mile backtrack for wandering-after-deer ramones - we all stopped at a diner on the way home. be it the third day of this new diet -- i had NO desire to savor the greasy food - and a long list at that - at bob's (paul's? ralph's?) USA diner in mt. morris. i ordered a hot chocolate just to treat myself in case i'd really go bonkers not getting to order french fries after a long hike -- but only drank 1/3 of it. the sugar and the water and the fake chocolate flavor -- rancid, at best. i was surprised my desires rejected the sugar. the cleanse was working...(shh....but don't tell anyone).
but the bonus -- i went to Loris on my way home, chauffeured by chris (thanks chris!) -- and bought organic lemons for 50% the price at abundance!!!! note to rochesterian master cleansers: buy lemons at loris. funny thing - the Lori's check-out boy guess what i was up to with all those lemons...
day 1 (sunday) --> ...and the feast begins. i was distracted by an art show at RoCo where the artists were speaking about their work. my acquaintances, Nancy and Wendel, were on showcase - with two others. maybe i wanted more substance today -- but i don't recall any come-to-jesus moments.
day 2 (monday) --> first day at work - what i had anticipated to be the hardest part -- mainly because work was causing me the most stress in my life - and where all my bad habits and procrastination endeavors came alive. drinking latte's. going to pic's place 2-3 times a day for some penny candy - though lately it's been a roll of 150 calories/roll sweettarts. sunchips with my rice, veggies and lentils lunch. buying lunch instead of packing lunch. hmmmm...i wonder what's going to come of these habits??
my saving grace who, just by talking with her and conferring our stories of health and humanity, made me feel solidly resolved -- linda salamone.
day 3 (tuesday) --> by now i was peeing 3-4 times a night. what-the-fuck!
my saving grace - linda salamone.
day 4 (wednesday) --> last minute job application to EPA in DC. it felt good to complete. again - force feeding. buying organic lemons for the trip this weekend -- at wegmans this time - priced between loris and abundance. at some point on this day or the surrounding, i started my period. i recall that on the night before, i went more times to the pantry than ever during this detox cleanse, looking for something appetizing. nothing really was, but i was curious at the constant searches...hours later at about 1 am, i found out why.....
day 5 (thursday) --> frick-an-A!! i hosted a pizza party today for the postdoc association - showing a career development webinar while letting them chow down on pizza. now - for those of you who don't know me....pizza...is, well, PIZZA god!!!!!!!
day 6 (friday) --> frenzied hope welcomed this work day about my AAAS application status notifications - this may have cause a little tinge of desire for something to eat, or at least a coffee (the old tricks) -- but it really wasn't hard to take. 5:40pm - 4 of us off to the adirondacks! made 16 oz lemonade for the road. pit stop at mcdonalds -- i was glad i wasn't eating that shyte.
day 7 (saturday) --> 4 miles ski into the base of a mountain. climb mountain and back - 2 miles. 4 miles ski back to car. divine. i made 32 ounces of lemonade for the trip. 16oz for breakfast, and 16oz for dinner afterwards. this was my standard fare, however this was NOT enough calories (<1000) for all that i was doing up in the mountains. but what the heck -- it would have been force feeding at that point, because i was not remotely hungry.
day 8 (sunday) --> last night's chili i could handle...but the two types of lasagna was just making me bonkers. when i sat at the table with everyone else, i made sure i slammed down my mug of hot tea, and my glass of lemonade pretty loud letting everyone know i was in protest to my diet. they giggled. ha! ha! recap - i think it helps to be busy. i know the Master Cleanse tips and tricks mention not to go to any social events, but i disagree. by the 3rd day of the Ease-In, i was not craving what i would usually crave. i found it harder to be at home alone, than with friends -- despite that they were munching on oh-so-yummy goodies. i was always impressed at the integrity with which i stuck to the master cleanse. nobody was weirdes out. all were (mostly) supportive. my new friend david asked me why i was doing this. before i could say anything -- he said: "because of the challenge?" later that day he mentioned that i should have some chili, saying "well, it's your choice...a little chili won't hurt". at this point in the cleanse, i think a little chili would have sent me to the hospital!! my new friend wes suggested that i eat the lasagna WHILE drinking extra lemonade, to counter the effects of the lasagna and make up for cheating. hee...hee...!!! WHAT'S WITH MEN!!!!^%$$@&^*&!!!
day 9 (valentine's day) --> text from housemate about my good friend the PASTRY chef's homemade chocolate cake..... i coulda slapped her outright. dang!
day 10 (tuesday, today (when i was writing this yesterday)) --> what, only one more day?? what do i do with the remaining 4 lemons? hmmm...that's enough for on more day of cleanse. hell no.
day -3b (wednesday, today (when i am writing this now)) --> i decided to do the salt water flush -- one final finale and homage to the lemonade treatment of yesterday. it seems to make sense. for me, the next coming days and weeks will be the most important part of this whole experience. i will continue to post my "recovery", as i felt pretty beat down when i started this - not so much when i've gotten through it - but the stressors are still there - the question is how will now handle them? i feel empowered. strong. prepared. ...not something i could have said 13 days ago..... the nagging concerns through this experience have been whether or not i am getting enough enough calories?? ..and enough hydration??
some stats: 886 calories a day - 64 oz of maple-cayenne lemonade. that's life juice squeezed out of 4 lemons a day - 40-45 lemons total (i spilled one freshly squeezed essence). try as i might, i's a can't ingest no more!! at most, i've drunk 1104 calories, which occurred only one day this weekend in the adirondacks. i've experience no hunger pains, no growling -- maybe a little, around "meal time", if i hadn't drunk my timely ration of lemonade.
i am a little worried about adjusting to the increased calorie intake as i come off this cleanse, so i've begun making plans to monitor my adjustment back into eating. a saving grace is that i have not done much running, nor yoga, these past two weeks - my schedule has been oddly prohibitive -- so i'll get back on the regimen of those activities, which will help build back muscle tone and burn calories. this weekend in the mountains was a great start for redefining lean muscle. today i begin my yoga routine - 15 days in 30 - again. with the upcoming AAAS interview, toastmaster speech, lack of a lover, and my work days coming to an end -- i will need all my strength to not let the stress get to me again. yet, i am determined, and yoga is my haven. and my friends, of course.
day -3 (a thursday) --> i already wrote my reasons for starting this detox. in case i left anything out: 1) the novelty of it -- i'd just become aware a thing called a detox cleanse, and having never tried anything like this, i thought it intriguing and right on time, because 2) work was becoming quite stressful with the yoyo-ing of having a job, or not, or yes, or no + the lack of inspiration on the projects i was being mentored toward + no way in sight to fulfill my interests. for a while now - actually, i remember the exact moment - November 2010 - coming down from a two-high-peak climb - i knew that academic research was not an environment in which i wanted to spend my career. it took me a while to admit that -- but it is now clear as day. 3) i needed to restructure my mentality and emotions about a few people in my life -- say goodbye to the old, hello to the new and more fulfilling -- or something like that ((...as it never really works that way)). so...physically, mentally, and emotionally, there was some work to do.
day -3 (thursday) --> this was nothing more than eating raw foods. i focused on bananas and salad and almonds. yum. normal. no big deal. i think i had pickled beets on my lunch salad. ooops...
day -2 (friday) --> mmmm....the first all liquid day. basical raw foods - liquified. yum...although i juiced at the end of the day a concoction that was quite gray -- there was no way i could finish it. in prep for the master cleanse in two days, i went shopping for lemons..... i cringed at the price of lemons at Abundance, a local co-op and organic/health food store that i (used to) like to shop at. abundance is always expensive, i was prepared for that - but $0.99 a SINGLE lemon!!! come on! that's highway robbery! so i only bought 5. i didn't really know how much i would need. note to rochesterians master cleansers -- don't by lemons at Abundance.
day -1 (saturday) --> oh! my favorite of all so far -- and TOMORROW (no..TODAY!!!) i get to do it again!!! fresh squeezed orange juice - ALL day - All you can eat. yes, EAT - because the pulpy pulp goodness makes it so much mere besser!!! mmmm....this day was divine. after the 7 mile snowshoe - including a tense 2 mile backtrack for wandering-after-deer ramones - we all stopped at a diner on the way home. be it the third day of this new diet -- i had NO desire to savor the greasy food - and a long list at that - at bob's (paul's? ralph's?) USA diner in mt. morris. i ordered a hot chocolate just to treat myself in case i'd really go bonkers not getting to order french fries after a long hike -- but only drank 1/3 of it. the sugar and the water and the fake chocolate flavor -- rancid, at best. i was surprised my desires rejected the sugar. the cleanse was working...(shh....but don't tell anyone).
but the bonus -- i went to Loris on my way home, chauffeured by chris (thanks chris!) -- and bought organic lemons for 50% the price at abundance!!!! note to rochesterian master cleansers: buy lemons at loris. funny thing - the Lori's check-out boy guess what i was up to with all those lemons...
day 1 (sunday) --> ...and the feast begins. i was distracted by an art show at RoCo where the artists were speaking about their work. my acquaintances, Nancy and Wendel, were on showcase - with two others. maybe i wanted more substance today -- but i don't recall any come-to-jesus moments.
day 2 (monday) --> first day at work - what i had anticipated to be the hardest part -- mainly because work was causing me the most stress in my life - and where all my bad habits and procrastination endeavors came alive. drinking latte's. going to pic's place 2-3 times a day for some penny candy - though lately it's been a roll of 150 calories/roll sweettarts. sunchips with my rice, veggies and lentils lunch. buying lunch instead of packing lunch. hmmmm...i wonder what's going to come of these habits??
my saving grace who, just by talking with her and conferring our stories of health and humanity, made me feel solidly resolved -- linda salamone.
day 3 (tuesday) --> by now i was peeing 3-4 times a night. what-the-fuck!
my saving grace - linda salamone.
day 4 (wednesday) --> last minute job application to EPA in DC. it felt good to complete. again - force feeding. buying organic lemons for the trip this weekend -- at wegmans this time - priced between loris and abundance. at some point on this day or the surrounding, i started my period. i recall that on the night before, i went more times to the pantry than ever during this detox cleanse, looking for something appetizing. nothing really was, but i was curious at the constant searches...hours later at about 1 am, i found out why.....
day 5 (thursday) --> frick-an-A!! i hosted a pizza party today for the postdoc association - showing a career development webinar while letting them chow down on pizza. now - for those of you who don't know me....pizza...is, well, PIZZA god!!!!!!!
day 6 (friday) --> frenzied hope welcomed this work day about my AAAS application status notifications - this may have cause a little tinge of desire for something to eat, or at least a coffee (the old tricks) -- but it really wasn't hard to take. 5:40pm - 4 of us off to the adirondacks! made 16 oz lemonade for the road. pit stop at mcdonalds -- i was glad i wasn't eating that shyte.
day 7 (saturday) --> 4 miles ski into the base of a mountain. climb mountain and back - 2 miles. 4 miles ski back to car. divine. i made 32 ounces of lemonade for the trip. 16oz for breakfast, and 16oz for dinner afterwards. this was my standard fare, however this was NOT enough calories (<1000) for all that i was doing up in the mountains. but what the heck -- it would have been force feeding at that point, because i was not remotely hungry.
day 8 (sunday) --> last night's chili i could handle...but the two types of lasagna was just making me bonkers. when i sat at the table with everyone else, i made sure i slammed down my mug of hot tea, and my glass of lemonade pretty loud letting everyone know i was in protest to my diet. they giggled. ha! ha! recap - i think it helps to be busy. i know the Master Cleanse tips and tricks mention not to go to any social events, but i disagree. by the 3rd day of the Ease-In, i was not craving what i would usually crave. i found it harder to be at home alone, than with friends -- despite that they were munching on oh-so-yummy goodies. i was always impressed at the integrity with which i stuck to the master cleanse. nobody was weirdes out. all were (mostly) supportive. my new friend david asked me why i was doing this. before i could say anything -- he said: "because of the challenge?" later that day he mentioned that i should have some chili, saying "well, it's your choice...a little chili won't hurt". at this point in the cleanse, i think a little chili would have sent me to the hospital!! my new friend wes suggested that i eat the lasagna WHILE drinking extra lemonade, to counter the effects of the lasagna and make up for cheating. hee...hee...!!! WHAT'S WITH MEN!!!!^%$$@&^*&!!!
day 9 (valentine's day) --> text from housemate about my good friend the PASTRY chef's homemade chocolate cake..... i coulda slapped her outright. dang!
day 10 (tuesday, today (when i was writing this yesterday)) --> what, only one more day?? what do i do with the remaining 4 lemons? hmmm...that's enough for on more day of cleanse. hell no.
day -3b (wednesday, today (when i am writing this now)) --> i decided to do the salt water flush -- one final finale and homage to the lemonade treatment of yesterday. it seems to make sense. for me, the next coming days and weeks will be the most important part of this whole experience. i will continue to post my "recovery", as i felt pretty beat down when i started this - not so much when i've gotten through it - but the stressors are still there - the question is how will now handle them? i feel empowered. strong. prepared. ...not something i could have said 13 days ago..... the nagging concerns through this experience have been whether or not i am getting enough enough calories?? ..and enough hydration??
some stats: 886 calories a day - 64 oz of maple-cayenne lemonade. that's life juice squeezed out of 4 lemons a day - 40-45 lemons total (i spilled one freshly squeezed essence). try as i might, i's a can't ingest no more!! at most, i've drunk 1104 calories, which occurred only one day this weekend in the adirondacks. i've experience no hunger pains, no growling -- maybe a little, around "meal time", if i hadn't drunk my timely ration of lemonade.
i am a little worried about adjusting to the increased calorie intake as i come off this cleanse, so i've begun making plans to monitor my adjustment back into eating. a saving grace is that i have not done much running, nor yoga, these past two weeks - my schedule has been oddly prohibitive -- so i'll get back on the regimen of those activities, which will help build back muscle tone and burn calories. this weekend in the mountains was a great start for redefining lean muscle. today i begin my yoga routine - 15 days in 30 - again. with the upcoming AAAS interview, toastmaster speech, lack of a lover, and my work days coming to an end -- i will need all my strength to not let the stress get to me again. yet, i am determined, and yoga is my haven. and my friends, of course.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
...another one bites the dust
...3 mountains (one a 4800'er), 1 cleanse, 1 valentine's day.
it is day 10 of my cleanse. seriously? let's see...sun, mon, tues, wed, thu, fri, sat, sun, mon, tues...yep. day 10. this means tomorrow - fresh squeezed OJ ALL day. one lucky gyrl, am i.
i went to the mountains this weekend...the adirondacks...with will, jaime, paula, eric, david, sue, jess, jen, amanda, wess. what a great group of folks. i hope i'll be talking more about them in the future. we stayed at a cabin/lodge in elizabethtown, near keene valley. fireplaces and pellet stoves...big kitchen where all shared the cooking...big dining table where we ate together...well...i didn't eat. i drank. but the sentiment was still there...communal living. a gem. day 1 - we (5 of us) skied 4 miles to the base of indian head, snowshoed up indian head. the gusts at the top were welcoming. the beauty to behold was breathtaking, even if full of clouds and snow. special note: eric walked up in his backcountry skis (with 'skins' on them to help with forward motion) - he then skied down - over boulder jumps and tree tops - fascinating...what do you expect for strappingling young 25 yr old? day 2 - a 10.6 mile climb (5 of us) up and down Whiteface at 4867'. 30 mph winds at the top. 17 degrees. the winds were a shear challenge...exhilarating nonetheless. day 3 - the sweetest climb of all, and the perfect was to round a weekend in the adks...a 35 minute climb up blueberry hill with will. ...to a lean to, with sun! (the first of the weekend), and wind at 35+ temps. warming, indeed.
and i cleansed the entire time. i ingested not near enough calories for all of this activity - less than 1200/day. but, my energy was high -- very high. never once did i falter. somewhere within, i had tapped into a pure line. unbelievable.
and alas....another valentine's day gone without a valentine. the last time i received a valentine was from my college boyfriend, tristan. that was 15 years ago. where's the romanticism gone? where's the sharing of sentiment? where's the conversation? do men no longer participate...or is it just the men that i pick?? it's the latter, i refuse to believe otherwise. i need to choose better.
...time for work, well....what's left of it. T minus 46 days??? bring it!
it is day 10 of my cleanse. seriously? let's see...sun, mon, tues, wed, thu, fri, sat, sun, mon, tues...yep. day 10. this means tomorrow - fresh squeezed OJ ALL day. one lucky gyrl, am i.
i went to the mountains this weekend...the adirondacks...with will, jaime, paula, eric, david, sue, jess, jen, amanda, wess. what a great group of folks. i hope i'll be talking more about them in the future. we stayed at a cabin/lodge in elizabethtown, near keene valley. fireplaces and pellet stoves...big kitchen where all shared the cooking...big dining table where we ate together...well...i didn't eat. i drank. but the sentiment was still there...communal living. a gem. day 1 - we (5 of us) skied 4 miles to the base of indian head, snowshoed up indian head. the gusts at the top were welcoming. the beauty to behold was breathtaking, even if full of clouds and snow. special note: eric walked up in his backcountry skis (with 'skins' on them to help with forward motion) - he then skied down - over boulder jumps and tree tops - fascinating...what do you expect for strappingling young 25 yr old? day 2 - a 10.6 mile climb (5 of us) up and down Whiteface at 4867'. 30 mph winds at the top. 17 degrees. the winds were a shear challenge...exhilarating nonetheless. day 3 - the sweetest climb of all, and the perfect was to round a weekend in the adks...a 35 minute climb up blueberry hill with will. ...to a lean to, with sun! (the first of the weekend), and wind at 35+ temps. warming, indeed.
and i cleansed the entire time. i ingested not near enough calories for all of this activity - less than 1200/day. but, my energy was high -- very high. never once did i falter. somewhere within, i had tapped into a pure line. unbelievable.
and alas....another valentine's day gone without a valentine. the last time i received a valentine was from my college boyfriend, tristan. that was 15 years ago. where's the romanticism gone? where's the sharing of sentiment? where's the conversation? do men no longer participate...or is it just the men that i pick?? it's the latter, i refuse to believe otherwise. i need to choose better.
...time for work, well....what's left of it. T minus 46 days??? bring it!
Friday, February 11, 2011
so, how's it going?
oh...must be me who's going to answer that.
i'm entering day 6 of the cleanse - waiting for the salt water to flush through. waiting. waiting. why wait? !! in this case, it's for an amazing benefit, that for 9 days now, i've felt blessed to get to experience. physically, i feel revitalized. cleaner. fresher. more energized. that is one reason i wanted to do this cleanse. before beginning this process, i felt my body wasn't responding to the food i ate or drank, or the exercise i performed, in a way that i expected. something was clogged, for lack of a better term. in addition, i was letting on the flip-side, emotionally, it was the same. i had let stress build up to the point where physically i was feeling trapped, feeling immobile.
my job was uninspiring - not because of the work that i was doing, but because of the leadership i was under. since day one, there was absolutely no follow-through from my mentor in the development of the career i was seeking. as for the work, even it was such a yo-yo effect of whether or not will funding be continued to keep my job, which was initially promised through Sept 2011, then through Dec. 2011, then, as recently as Dec 2010, was promised through February 2012. this gave me plenty of time to switch gears - find my fit - since it was increasingly clear that laboratory research was not enough. i'd wait to hear how the AAAS applications turned out (yesterday or today -- well, it wasn't yesterday, so...!!!) and then manage my career accordingly. however, after the new year, and the continued delay in the project start date, i could no longer appreciate the false optimism my advisor kept out-pouring. by mid-january, his optimism, even he could no longer believe. sure enough, as of last week, march 2011 is my last month. ....of course, until the government gives us the go ahead on the project.... geez louise. same old story....
so, i am cleansing the stress that has build up over the last year from my job.
i am also cleansing, i hope, an old love. someone who has been in my life a little over two years now. i have loved him deeply, very very deeply ... yet always felt it impossible to reach him at a level of understanding and desire that was reciprocal. part of this was because we lived ~400 miles from each other. but a much larger part, i believe, i felt, was his inability to truly embody the responsibility of taking care of somebody other than himself. now he's whoring himself on an internet dating site, dating strangers 'til the cows come home -- where, when last we spoke last month, neither one of us wanted to let go of the other.... that, simply, isn't right. i need to say goodbye. as each day goes by, and there's no communication between us, why do i feel i still want to hang on? what is there to hang on to? i'm tired of asking these questions .... with no response. why wait? why fucking wait?
so...body, mind, and soul...increased efficiency, that is what i seek. a weekend in a log cabin in the adirondacks will help. 4 + 3 more days of my physical cleansing treatment will help. it has helped so much already. my acceptance into the AAAS program will help....(do you hear that AAAS? i think you should send me two acceptance letters today...i'd very much like that...)
'tschuB, for now....
i'm entering day 6 of the cleanse - waiting for the salt water to flush through. waiting. waiting. why wait? !! in this case, it's for an amazing benefit, that for 9 days now, i've felt blessed to get to experience. physically, i feel revitalized. cleaner. fresher. more energized. that is one reason i wanted to do this cleanse. before beginning this process, i felt my body wasn't responding to the food i ate or drank, or the exercise i performed, in a way that i expected. something was clogged, for lack of a better term. in addition, i was letting on the flip-side, emotionally, it was the same. i had let stress build up to the point where physically i was feeling trapped, feeling immobile.
my job was uninspiring - not because of the work that i was doing, but because of the leadership i was under. since day one, there was absolutely no follow-through from my mentor in the development of the career i was seeking. as for the work, even it was such a yo-yo effect of whether or not will funding be continued to keep my job, which was initially promised through Sept 2011, then through Dec. 2011, then, as recently as Dec 2010, was promised through February 2012. this gave me plenty of time to switch gears - find my fit - since it was increasingly clear that laboratory research was not enough. i'd wait to hear how the AAAS applications turned out (yesterday or today -- well, it wasn't yesterday, so...!!!) and then manage my career accordingly. however, after the new year, and the continued delay in the project start date, i could no longer appreciate the false optimism my advisor kept out-pouring. by mid-january, his optimism, even he could no longer believe. sure enough, as of last week, march 2011 is my last month. ....of course, until the government gives us the go ahead on the project.... geez louise. same old story....
so, i am cleansing the stress that has build up over the last year from my job.
i am also cleansing, i hope, an old love. someone who has been in my life a little over two years now. i have loved him deeply, very very deeply ... yet always felt it impossible to reach him at a level of understanding and desire that was reciprocal. part of this was because we lived ~400 miles from each other. but a much larger part, i believe, i felt, was his inability to truly embody the responsibility of taking care of somebody other than himself. now he's whoring himself on an internet dating site, dating strangers 'til the cows come home -- where, when last we spoke last month, neither one of us wanted to let go of the other.... that, simply, isn't right. i need to say goodbye. as each day goes by, and there's no communication between us, why do i feel i still want to hang on? what is there to hang on to? i'm tired of asking these questions .... with no response. why wait? why fucking wait?
so...body, mind, and soul...increased efficiency, that is what i seek. a weekend in a log cabin in the adirondacks will help. 4 + 3 more days of my physical cleansing treatment will help. it has helped so much already. my acceptance into the AAAS program will help....(do you hear that AAAS? i think you should send me two acceptance letters today...i'd very much like that...)
'tschuB, for now....
Monday, February 7, 2011
i...am...
cleansing. yes, cleansing. to me, it's an embarrassing word to utter. maybe because i immediately think of the clearing out of poop. but why does that bother me? i pick up dog poop at least twice a day - not embarrassed about that, unless the pooping happens....ok, enough!
i am cleansing. technically it's the beginning of the fifth day of the program, but it's the second of the 10-day mania of drinking only lemonade made with maple syrup with a dash of cayenne.....mmmm.....for 10 days.....mmmmm.......did i mention for a total of 10 days, nothing but cayenne lemonade...mmm......
well, more honestly, fortunately and unfortunately, there are two other fluids i can drink. herbal tea, fortunately, and salt water, oh god so very unfortunately.... the herbal tea i feel is self-explanatory, with the last tea of the evening recommended to be of laxative essence (another very embarrassing word). laxative - ha!
it's 6:47am and i lie propped in bed because i read somewhere that it's better for fluid kinetics if in a horizontal position. i just drank ~0.75 liters of salt water (@ 2 teaspoons sea salt per liter). first i tried warm salt water and gagged the stuff back up. next, i tried warm water to dissolve the salt painlessly, then added 3 ice cubes to make it cold enough to be slightly more interesting, and tasteless, to drink. i decided not to torture myself any longer after the third quarter -- to see how effective this volume amount will be. we'll in 30-60 minutes. it's an interesting concept, as it's supposed to wash out the entire digestive system. ((can we make it rain salt water over our cities and industrially processed agricultural fields?)) as the salt water moves through the system, it chelates all sorts of toxins that are being released from fat stores (that are released b/c of the minimal ingestion of proteins throughout this cleanse), as well as intracellular stores.
i forgot to mention, the first three days were the ease-in component: raw foods only, fresh veg/fruit juices and soup only, and fresh-squeezed orange juice only, respectively on day 1-2-3.
so...yes, i am cleansing. it was time. but, more on THIS later, as it's literally time to go poop the dog, then off to work. ;-)
to end on some very positive news....the monday temperature madness has been quelled (well, let's hope). it's 32 degrees out. yum. the past few mondays, they've been one of the coldest days of the week - single digits and below zero digits.
things are changing for the better...and, for today, this makes me smile.
i am cleansing. technically it's the beginning of the fifth day of the program, but it's the second of the 10-day mania of drinking only lemonade made with maple syrup with a dash of cayenne.....mmmm.....for 10 days.....mmmmm.......did i mention for a total of 10 days, nothing but cayenne lemonade...mmm......
well, more honestly, fortunately and unfortunately, there are two other fluids i can drink. herbal tea, fortunately, and salt water, oh god so very unfortunately.... the herbal tea i feel is self-explanatory, with the last tea of the evening recommended to be of laxative essence (another very embarrassing word). laxative - ha!
it's 6:47am and i lie propped in bed because i read somewhere that it's better for fluid kinetics if in a horizontal position. i just drank ~0.75 liters of salt water (@ 2 teaspoons sea salt per liter). first i tried warm salt water and gagged the stuff back up. next, i tried warm water to dissolve the salt painlessly, then added 3 ice cubes to make it cold enough to be slightly more interesting, and tasteless, to drink. i decided not to torture myself any longer after the third quarter -- to see how effective this volume amount will be. we'll in 30-60 minutes. it's an interesting concept, as it's supposed to wash out the entire digestive system. ((can we make it rain salt water over our cities and industrially processed agricultural fields?)) as the salt water moves through the system, it chelates all sorts of toxins that are being released from fat stores (that are released b/c of the minimal ingestion of proteins throughout this cleanse), as well as intracellular stores.
i forgot to mention, the first three days were the ease-in component: raw foods only, fresh veg/fruit juices and soup only, and fresh-squeezed orange juice only, respectively on day 1-2-3.
so...yes, i am cleansing. it was time. but, more on THIS later, as it's literally time to go poop the dog, then off to work. ;-)
to end on some very positive news....the monday temperature madness has been quelled (well, let's hope). it's 32 degrees out. yum. the past few mondays, they've been one of the coldest days of the week - single digits and below zero digits.
things are changing for the better...and, for today, this makes me smile.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
oh my...
oh my body has no idea what i am about to put it through -- the gift i am about to give it....
Monday, January 24, 2011
8 degrees below zero...
what's with these cold mondays? the low of the low. i had a discussion yesterday with 2 folks -- potential collaborators/clients. the goal: to model community health. the excitement for: a venture into the realm of environmental health science and policy, and away from strict benchwork toxicology. i can't express enough how much this thrills me. but it also made think how, within academia, can i develop a project to collaborate with these folks? it all seemed relatively simple -- except for the one word -- academia. i.e., staying within. i think of working in the realm of science and community health policy and the inspiration meter levels off the charts. i think of staying in academia -- and heck if that didn't make me want to stay in bed the rest of the day... of course that didn't happen...i made lentil soup and did laundry instead. i am astonished at the swing of emotion, though. and i am anxious. me, step outside the realm of academia, where i've lived these past 20 years??? there's a lot yet undone, i feel, to prepare me for this next step. where is the time? i wish i had a lover that would help guide me through this next venture -- somebody i can depend upon to share ideas, concerns, organizational plans, and all the while help keep me sane and level-headed. is this the job of a lover? i'd like to think so, but i'm starting to lose faith in what one can expect of a partner. yikes. ...time to go walk the dog and envelop myself more directly within the walls of academia. more later on these topics. i'm glad i started this post. i'm still toeing the waters of this blogging experience, being cautious of the extent to what i want, vs. need, vs. physically capable to share. let me throw this other thing out -- i want to begin a family, this summer perhaps. ah! what does that mean!?! hee, hee. ;-)
Monday, January 17, 2011
science is only one layer.
it is 6 degrees BELOW zero this morning in rochester, ny. i just called my friend and we agreed it was too cold to go running at 6:45am. before calling, i'd already decided it was too cold to take my dog. 6 below. i'd say this has to be a record temperature since i moved to rochester in jan2006. where is that line between too cold and not for a human to conduct prolonged physical activity/exercise outside? ....for a domesticated animal?
i listened to a radio program this weekend about the morality of nature - or rather, the moral nature of the universe. the program discussed the existence of both science and god. the argument, as i understood it, for the ability of god to existence in a scientific world, given there is no objective proof of god, was that because experimental parameters and results, despite all the laws of science, can sometimes be unpredictable, if even unexplained -- therein this uncertainty lies god. it's not that god IS the uncertainty, or has control over it, rather -- it's just that because there are things that happen in nature that science cannot explain -- then there can just as easily be a god existing in nature that science should not need to explain.
the most interesting concept i gathered from this program is that science is ONLY ONE layer of interpreting the way the world goes round, of interpreting nature. this is a very nice way to communicate to folks my desire to move from a career IN science to one ABOUT science policy. science is only one layer of answering the critical questions about how a community, a population, a nation evolves. in managing chaos, as politics in a democracy attempts to do, the use of science is critical when interpreting what the boundaries should and should not be of exposures, of innovations, of technologies, of energies, of monies, of urban and agricultural planning that are used at ALL levels of society - from a small town community, to a large nation population, to an increasingly integrated world. aye!
but quickly getting back to a conjoining nature and morality - i am very intrigued. a goal this week is to thereof invite discussion into my life.
it is now, as the sun is coming up, 7 degrees below zero. it's getting even colder. my, what an unexpected, dare i say unnatural, trend..... (but it could just be a computer glitch...a page not refreshed...indeed).
i listened to a radio program this weekend about the morality of nature - or rather, the moral nature of the universe. the program discussed the existence of both science and god. the argument, as i understood it, for the ability of god to existence in a scientific world, given there is no objective proof of god, was that because experimental parameters and results, despite all the laws of science, can sometimes be unpredictable, if even unexplained -- therein this uncertainty lies god. it's not that god IS the uncertainty, or has control over it, rather -- it's just that because there are things that happen in nature that science cannot explain -- then there can just as easily be a god existing in nature that science should not need to explain.
the most interesting concept i gathered from this program is that science is ONLY ONE layer of interpreting the way the world goes round, of interpreting nature. this is a very nice way to communicate to folks my desire to move from a career IN science to one ABOUT science policy. science is only one layer of answering the critical questions about how a community, a population, a nation evolves. in managing chaos, as politics in a democracy attempts to do, the use of science is critical when interpreting what the boundaries should and should not be of exposures, of innovations, of technologies, of energies, of monies, of urban and agricultural planning that are used at ALL levels of society - from a small town community, to a large nation population, to an increasingly integrated world. aye!
but quickly getting back to a conjoining nature and morality - i am very intrigued. a goal this week is to thereof invite discussion into my life.
it is now, as the sun is coming up, 7 degrees below zero. it's getting even colder. my, what an unexpected, dare i say unnatural, trend..... (but it could just be a computer glitch...a page not refreshed...indeed).
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
the start.
this is a bit intimidating. for several simple reasons:
- the words in my head are presented in an other, visible medium.
- there just may be more important thoughts that will make the world better go 'round.
- i have no idea who is reading this. why do you want to? what do you think?
- it brings to light how easily i think things are interesting - and wish to share; yet when it comes time to present, i've already forgotten.
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