"who invited the gamers?" i leaned in to mumble to the newly wed groom -- college professor, fellow hiker, fellow friend -- as we walked arm in arm past the first table we came to in the reception hall; the one closest to the open bar. i can't remember what game was being played, but the die were out. those sexy, sexy multifaceted die. many different facets. yum.
"oh you noticed, too, how my students crashed the wedding reception? i told them: no students allowed; however if a REAL guest were to invite them as their plus one, then all was fair game."
i hugged my friend and he went back to the waiting crowd.
as i sat down in my chair and looked around, i chuckled. practically all of the costumes were sci-fi- or game-influenced. i loved this. it was Halloween, afterall. i was a raven. one guest was dorothy, and her mate, the tin man. she had a real toto. bitch. that poor dog was scared almost lifeless.
weddings. love. you're done then, right? the groom seemed to agree with this. i'm not sure i do.
......quick interruption........ ah geez. i placed my laptop down on the couch to go finish preparing the massive quantity of soup i'm about to freeze. i come back. dog is on couch. paw is on keyboard. there's just one line on the page...all d's, the entire width through. thank goodness for undo. at least the tea mug wasn't tipped. ...........
i have a feeling i am not made for receiving love. please don't misunderstand. i feel intense pleasure, intense love, intense sharing of being -- however it comes through giving. solely. me reading a story to a child; me housesitting for a friend; me sending off little notes and queries; me touching an other. i have never been able to receive as such. is it offered? i'm not sure. it hasn't in a very, very long time. or rather, i don't recognize it as such. maybe this is more the issue...that i just don't recognize it. is that the same as not accepting it?
ha! now that i think of it. an old boyfriend of mine...my first...i do believe he asked me to marry him. but i didn't recognize it...because he mentioned something something about him and his wife and he was describing what he and i were planning to do in the very near future. and i think because of that, because i glossed over that moment, he lost his nerve. i was young. anyway. too young.
i really do love giving. and people taking. it feel wholesome to contribute.
i've heard so many people say that timing is everything....when it comes to love. well, i think this is true. but i don't think love is lost because of time. it will happen...just in a different moment.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
wellness is relative
i am not well. that's what i want to answer when asked the question...the goddamn question...of "how are you?" what i don't want to answer, but yet there's a swell within that just wants to scream, is BECAUSE OF YOU! but that wouldn't be true. of course it wouldn't. we just want everyone to care....instead of ask. i mean, right?
.... ah, there she is. the kitty that's been running back and forth between far barn, near barn, backdoor barn and my adopted front porch. she has the fur, a beautiful solid grey, of an outdoor cat. rough at the edges, yet gentle as a well socialized beast. it's already turned the style of any animal's fur that spends a lot of time outdoors and is forced to adjust by its own evolutionary armor to the elements of winter. winter is coming. thus, this cat's fur looks punked. slightly shocked, flashed stiff, as the winter coat forces its way up through the existing summer softness. her name is gin. and it seems she accepts no boundaries. i open my adopted front door, she walks right in....despite the THREE dogs (one of them, at least, a stranger and 10 times her size) ever so eager to get in a sniff. i open my car door, she jumps right in...and while i stand ready to go inside the house juggling, dangling 3 or 4 odd-shaped packages between my two arms, eight fingers, two opposable thumbs (thank goodness) and both hips (thank GOODNESS (womyns hips are the sexyest)), i open each of the four car doors hoping the cat will finally jump out of one. ...sometimes she doesn't. eventually, with this behavior, don't you think she will finally regret?
we all have our vices. the first step (to what, huh?) is admitting them. that could be an interesting exercise. why don't we all open a new document and write down our vices?
...excuse me for a moment...
wow. that went deeper more quickly than i thought. especially the second on the list. but i admitted them. number one vice is easy to correct. number three, easier than number two. i'm not sure what i'm going to do about number two. die? ;-)
ah, geez. look at the time. i's gots 3s dogs that need walking in the tidied farm fields of pre-winter amber. then to spencerport to see a highschool musical. ((it will probably be better than the last Pittsford Musical i saw out at the highschool in Webster)) then to roller derby.
(((ha ha! look at that...i addeded the picture!!)))
ah, i just remembered to turn on my saturday morning radio shows.
life is well.
.... ah, there she is. the kitty that's been running back and forth between far barn, near barn, backdoor barn and my adopted front porch. she has the fur, a beautiful solid grey, of an outdoor cat. rough at the edges, yet gentle as a well socialized beast. it's already turned the style of any animal's fur that spends a lot of time outdoors and is forced to adjust by its own evolutionary armor to the elements of winter. winter is coming. thus, this cat's fur looks punked. slightly shocked, flashed stiff, as the winter coat forces its way up through the existing summer softness. her name is gin. and it seems she accepts no boundaries. i open my adopted front door, she walks right in....despite the THREE dogs (one of them, at least, a stranger and 10 times her size) ever so eager to get in a sniff. i open my car door, she jumps right in...and while i stand ready to go inside the house juggling, dangling 3 or 4 odd-shaped packages between my two arms, eight fingers, two opposable thumbs (thank goodness) and both hips (thank GOODNESS (womyns hips are the sexyest)), i open each of the four car doors hoping the cat will finally jump out of one. ...sometimes she doesn't. eventually, with this behavior, don't you think she will finally regret?
we all have our vices. the first step (to what, huh?) is admitting them. that could be an interesting exercise. why don't we all open a new document and write down our vices?
...excuse me for a moment...
wow. that went deeper more quickly than i thought. especially the second on the list. but i admitted them. number one vice is easy to correct. number three, easier than number two. i'm not sure what i'm going to do about number two. die? ;-)
ah, geez. look at the time. i's gots 3s dogs that need walking in the tidied farm fields of pre-winter amber. then to spencerport to see a highschool musical. ((it will probably be better than the last Pittsford Musical i saw out at the highschool in Webster)) then to roller derby.
ah, i just remembered to turn on my saturday morning radio shows.
life is well.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
ready. and. set.
this one's going to seem a bit scattered as i write down the obligatoryness of what i'm about to do throughout this month. not an hour goes by that i think of the Great First Sentence to the next blog post i want to write. most times i just mindgasm about it, but that lasts only a few minutes, and the phrasing quickly forgotten. some times i am at my computer, so i whip out a blank page and write down the sentence...to get back to it later. fewer times i write it down in my little notebook that i carry, should i have it on me. does any of this sound familiar?
my goal is to finish out november taking moments in my herstory and thinking about them in a literary context, making them legible for strangers to read and for acquaintances to judge. Judge. spit, sputter, spew, spiral into silence. that's usually how my creative expression fizzles. ha...creative what? what kind of expression...ha! indeed, there seems to be a lot of anxiety wrapped up in there. as i unravel each story, i want to see the anxiety shed. how personal do i want to go? all the way. oh yes. all the way. that's seldom a problem.
i want to do this exercise for several reasons....to learn to tell bits of my life as a story. ...to be naive enough to think this exercise will allow me better ease at communicating. ((lately, i've messed up a lot of happiness by poor communication -- both of my own, and allowing it to be used in conversation with me)). ...to really see how....if... interesting the moments are in my life that i think are interesting. ...to overcome my fear of being judged. ((is what i write simply wasted black marks on a white background?)) oh, this all said, there will be no direct answer gained to any of these questions, i am certain. but this exercise will not be futile, i am certain of that, as well. most certain. i want to feel like i am doing this for just me. not for anyone else. i want to see if i can phrase my sentences without worry of how others might like me better if i say it this way, or portray it that way. i want to be simple. i want to tell what i feel....because it's normal. and it's attracting. and i want to believe that.
who am i?
how about we find out together?
'til tomorrow, then.
my goal is to finish out november taking moments in my herstory and thinking about them in a literary context, making them legible for strangers to read and for acquaintances to judge. Judge. spit, sputter, spew, spiral into silence. that's usually how my creative expression fizzles. ha...creative what? what kind of expression...ha! indeed, there seems to be a lot of anxiety wrapped up in there. as i unravel each story, i want to see the anxiety shed. how personal do i want to go? all the way. oh yes. all the way. that's seldom a problem.
i want to do this exercise for several reasons....to learn to tell bits of my life as a story. ...to be naive enough to think this exercise will allow me better ease at communicating. ((lately, i've messed up a lot of happiness by poor communication -- both of my own, and allowing it to be used in conversation with me)). ...to really see how....if... interesting the moments are in my life that i think are interesting. ...to overcome my fear of being judged. ((is what i write simply wasted black marks on a white background?)) oh, this all said, there will be no direct answer gained to any of these questions, i am certain. but this exercise will not be futile, i am certain of that, as well. most certain. i want to feel like i am doing this for just me. not for anyone else. i want to see if i can phrase my sentences without worry of how others might like me better if i say it this way, or portray it that way. i want to be simple. i want to tell what i feel....because it's normal. and it's attracting. and i want to believe that.
who am i?
how about we find out together?
'til tomorrow, then.
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