"who invited the gamers?" i leaned in to mumble to the newly wed groom -- college professor, fellow hiker, fellow friend -- as we walked arm in arm past the first table we came to in the reception hall; the one closest to the open bar. i can't remember what game was being played, but the die were out. those sexy, sexy multifaceted die. many different facets. yum.
"oh you noticed, too, how my students crashed the wedding reception? i told them: no students allowed; however if a REAL guest were to invite them as their plus one, then all was fair game."
i hugged my friend and he went back to the waiting crowd.
as i sat down in my chair and looked around, i chuckled. practically all of the costumes were sci-fi- or game-influenced. i loved this. it was Halloween, afterall. i was a raven. one guest was dorothy, and her mate, the tin man. she had a real toto. bitch. that poor dog was scared almost lifeless.
weddings. love. you're done then, right? the groom seemed to agree with this. i'm not sure i do.
......quick interruption........ ah geez. i placed my laptop down on the couch to go finish preparing the massive quantity of soup i'm about to freeze. i come back. dog is on couch. paw is on keyboard. there's just one line on the page...all d's, the entire width through. thank goodness for undo. at least the tea mug wasn't tipped. ...........
i have a feeling i am not made for receiving love. please don't misunderstand. i feel intense pleasure, intense love, intense sharing of being -- however it comes through giving. solely. me reading a story to a child; me housesitting for a friend; me sending off little notes and queries; me touching an other. i have never been able to receive as such. is it offered? i'm not sure. it hasn't in a very, very long time. or rather, i don't recognize it as such. maybe this is more the issue...that i just don't recognize it. is that the same as not accepting it?
ha! now that i think of it. an old boyfriend of mine...my first...i do believe he asked me to marry him. but i didn't recognize it...because he mentioned something something about him and his wife and he was describing what he and i were planning to do in the very near future. and i think because of that, because i glossed over that moment, he lost his nerve. i was young. anyway. too young.
i really do love giving. and people taking. it feel wholesome to contribute.
i've heard so many people say that timing is everything....when it comes to love. well, i think this is true. but i don't think love is lost because of time. it will happen...just in a different moment.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
wellness is relative
i am not well. that's what i want to answer when asked the question...the goddamn question...of "how are you?" what i don't want to answer, but yet there's a swell within that just wants to scream, is BECAUSE OF YOU! but that wouldn't be true. of course it wouldn't. we just want everyone to care....instead of ask. i mean, right?
.... ah, there she is. the kitty that's been running back and forth between far barn, near barn, backdoor barn and my adopted front porch. she has the fur, a beautiful solid grey, of an outdoor cat. rough at the edges, yet gentle as a well socialized beast. it's already turned the style of any animal's fur that spends a lot of time outdoors and is forced to adjust by its own evolutionary armor to the elements of winter. winter is coming. thus, this cat's fur looks punked. slightly shocked, flashed stiff, as the winter coat forces its way up through the existing summer softness. her name is gin. and it seems she accepts no boundaries. i open my adopted front door, she walks right in....despite the THREE dogs (one of them, at least, a stranger and 10 times her size) ever so eager to get in a sniff. i open my car door, she jumps right in...and while i stand ready to go inside the house juggling, dangling 3 or 4 odd-shaped packages between my two arms, eight fingers, two opposable thumbs (thank goodness) and both hips (thank GOODNESS (womyns hips are the sexyest)), i open each of the four car doors hoping the cat will finally jump out of one. ...sometimes she doesn't. eventually, with this behavior, don't you think she will finally regret?
we all have our vices. the first step (to what, huh?) is admitting them. that could be an interesting exercise. why don't we all open a new document and write down our vices?
...excuse me for a moment...
wow. that went deeper more quickly than i thought. especially the second on the list. but i admitted them. number one vice is easy to correct. number three, easier than number two. i'm not sure what i'm going to do about number two. die? ;-)
ah, geez. look at the time. i's gots 3s dogs that need walking in the tidied farm fields of pre-winter amber. then to spencerport to see a highschool musical. ((it will probably be better than the last Pittsford Musical i saw out at the highschool in Webster)) then to roller derby.
(((ha ha! look at that...i addeded the picture!!)))
ah, i just remembered to turn on my saturday morning radio shows.
life is well.
.... ah, there she is. the kitty that's been running back and forth between far barn, near barn, backdoor barn and my adopted front porch. she has the fur, a beautiful solid grey, of an outdoor cat. rough at the edges, yet gentle as a well socialized beast. it's already turned the style of any animal's fur that spends a lot of time outdoors and is forced to adjust by its own evolutionary armor to the elements of winter. winter is coming. thus, this cat's fur looks punked. slightly shocked, flashed stiff, as the winter coat forces its way up through the existing summer softness. her name is gin. and it seems she accepts no boundaries. i open my adopted front door, she walks right in....despite the THREE dogs (one of them, at least, a stranger and 10 times her size) ever so eager to get in a sniff. i open my car door, she jumps right in...and while i stand ready to go inside the house juggling, dangling 3 or 4 odd-shaped packages between my two arms, eight fingers, two opposable thumbs (thank goodness) and both hips (thank GOODNESS (womyns hips are the sexyest)), i open each of the four car doors hoping the cat will finally jump out of one. ...sometimes she doesn't. eventually, with this behavior, don't you think she will finally regret?
we all have our vices. the first step (to what, huh?) is admitting them. that could be an interesting exercise. why don't we all open a new document and write down our vices?
...excuse me for a moment...
wow. that went deeper more quickly than i thought. especially the second on the list. but i admitted them. number one vice is easy to correct. number three, easier than number two. i'm not sure what i'm going to do about number two. die? ;-)
ah, geez. look at the time. i's gots 3s dogs that need walking in the tidied farm fields of pre-winter amber. then to spencerport to see a highschool musical. ((it will probably be better than the last Pittsford Musical i saw out at the highschool in Webster)) then to roller derby.
ah, i just remembered to turn on my saturday morning radio shows.
life is well.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
ready. and. set.
this one's going to seem a bit scattered as i write down the obligatoryness of what i'm about to do throughout this month. not an hour goes by that i think of the Great First Sentence to the next blog post i want to write. most times i just mindgasm about it, but that lasts only a few minutes, and the phrasing quickly forgotten. some times i am at my computer, so i whip out a blank page and write down the sentence...to get back to it later. fewer times i write it down in my little notebook that i carry, should i have it on me. does any of this sound familiar?
my goal is to finish out november taking moments in my herstory and thinking about them in a literary context, making them legible for strangers to read and for acquaintances to judge. Judge. spit, sputter, spew, spiral into silence. that's usually how my creative expression fizzles. ha...creative what? what kind of expression...ha! indeed, there seems to be a lot of anxiety wrapped up in there. as i unravel each story, i want to see the anxiety shed. how personal do i want to go? all the way. oh yes. all the way. that's seldom a problem.
i want to do this exercise for several reasons....to learn to tell bits of my life as a story. ...to be naive enough to think this exercise will allow me better ease at communicating. ((lately, i've messed up a lot of happiness by poor communication -- both of my own, and allowing it to be used in conversation with me)). ...to really see how....if... interesting the moments are in my life that i think are interesting. ...to overcome my fear of being judged. ((is what i write simply wasted black marks on a white background?)) oh, this all said, there will be no direct answer gained to any of these questions, i am certain. but this exercise will not be futile, i am certain of that, as well. most certain. i want to feel like i am doing this for just me. not for anyone else. i want to see if i can phrase my sentences without worry of how others might like me better if i say it this way, or portray it that way. i want to be simple. i want to tell what i feel....because it's normal. and it's attracting. and i want to believe that.
who am i?
how about we find out together?
'til tomorrow, then.
my goal is to finish out november taking moments in my herstory and thinking about them in a literary context, making them legible for strangers to read and for acquaintances to judge. Judge. spit, sputter, spew, spiral into silence. that's usually how my creative expression fizzles. ha...creative what? what kind of expression...ha! indeed, there seems to be a lot of anxiety wrapped up in there. as i unravel each story, i want to see the anxiety shed. how personal do i want to go? all the way. oh yes. all the way. that's seldom a problem.
i want to do this exercise for several reasons....to learn to tell bits of my life as a story. ...to be naive enough to think this exercise will allow me better ease at communicating. ((lately, i've messed up a lot of happiness by poor communication -- both of my own, and allowing it to be used in conversation with me)). ...to really see how....if... interesting the moments are in my life that i think are interesting. ...to overcome my fear of being judged. ((is what i write simply wasted black marks on a white background?)) oh, this all said, there will be no direct answer gained to any of these questions, i am certain. but this exercise will not be futile, i am certain of that, as well. most certain. i want to feel like i am doing this for just me. not for anyone else. i want to see if i can phrase my sentences without worry of how others might like me better if i say it this way, or portray it that way. i want to be simple. i want to tell what i feel....because it's normal. and it's attracting. and i want to believe that.
who am i?
how about we find out together?
'til tomorrow, then.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
i haven't posted in a while because i thought i needed to somehow culminate the mixed, deep emotions that i'm feeling into something pithy. fuck that. there's something about tonight pulling me to share my emotions of today. just today. and they all happened in the last 3 hours.
first, my pride in my roller derby league travel team is insurmountable today. there is a gyrl on it, blue, and she is spectacular. she is a tiny waif of a thing. but she rounds that track...desperately exhausted...and yet she rounds that track. that flopping posture...spectacular. there is another, beecher. i aspire to her. actually, words can't quite express why. it's not her agility, or prowess, or other such skill. it's just because of her.
i was happy.
so happy that i stopped by my mom's grave on my way home. it was dark. quite dark, with the just old blue moon shadowed slightly by the wisps up there. i know i found her grave. it was beautiful. no marker. just lilies and a flowering patch of ground cover. there were other things. i couldn't see. it was beautiful. my mom.
i am in my stepfathers home now. listening to music so full of my own soul...
..............
(((oh, and i got new skates and i saw merby for the first time. oh!!!)))
first, my pride in my roller derby league travel team is insurmountable today. there is a gyrl on it, blue, and she is spectacular. she is a tiny waif of a thing. but she rounds that track...desperately exhausted...and yet she rounds that track. that flopping posture...spectacular. there is another, beecher. i aspire to her. actually, words can't quite express why. it's not her agility, or prowess, or other such skill. it's just because of her.
i was happy.
so happy that i stopped by my mom's grave on my way home. it was dark. quite dark, with the just old blue moon shadowed slightly by the wisps up there. i know i found her grave. it was beautiful. no marker. just lilies and a flowering patch of ground cover. there were other things. i couldn't see. it was beautiful. my mom.
i am in my stepfathers home now. listening to music so full of my own soul...
..............
(((oh, and i got new skates and i saw merby for the first time. oh!!!)))
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
why understand?
i awoke to the sensation of my menstrual cup flowing over and my pup
readjusting her position nearer to my body as the thunderstorm rolls
closer. i want to quickly share my thoughts so i can turn off the lights and ride the storm in all its dark glory and see all the profiles that are graced by the lightening. hello again.
my first thought: are other ladies out there that, too, glory in the start of their period because now they can have sex without using birth control? ....with a trusted partner, of course. the sensations, the 'moments', the intensity....are they heightened, for you, during menstruation?
my second thought: maybe i should let go of understanding. lately, as in the past couple of years, it seems i have been trying so hard, much more than usual, to understand why some of (what i perceive as) the harsher interactions happen. it seems that the more i try to figure them out, the more stress i create for myself, for those involved in the interaction, and for the general peace of my universe. part of me hates upheaval. part of me hates thinking somebody is upset at me for some reason. part of me thinks the only way to a happy existence is being surrounded by a happy community. so i try...and keep trying...and keep trying to reach out. usually, this results in a better calm and a closer connection. but lately, it's as if the exact opposite happens. ...so i try to understand that as well. but, huh, wouldn't ya know it...that also goes nowhere and plummets me deeper into discontent.
instead of saying 'so be it' and simply ignore that disunderstanding, i am realizing there is a whole. ...and there are many, many parts to that whole. if just some of the parts are out of whack at any given time, then the majority consensus is still at peace with the whole. and that is enough. i should think. things will come back around.
afterall, it is still worth living in the community, is it not? it is so easy to slip back? into my own world...to return to a place that feels steeled. but i'm not sure i want to go there right now. people and circumstances are worth being patient for.
well, it seems these thoughts - really, just the second - has taken me much longer to mull over into rough script than i thought. daybreak has descended (....risen??......hmmm....don't let my mind go there...). time to get up. those first few glances over the fields of crops bathing in the new morning wet...will be glorious.
my first thought: are other ladies out there that, too, glory in the start of their period because now they can have sex without using birth control? ....with a trusted partner, of course. the sensations, the 'moments', the intensity....are they heightened, for you, during menstruation?
my second thought: maybe i should let go of understanding. lately, as in the past couple of years, it seems i have been trying so hard, much more than usual, to understand why some of (what i perceive as) the harsher interactions happen. it seems that the more i try to figure them out, the more stress i create for myself, for those involved in the interaction, and for the general peace of my universe. part of me hates upheaval. part of me hates thinking somebody is upset at me for some reason. part of me thinks the only way to a happy existence is being surrounded by a happy community. so i try...and keep trying...and keep trying to reach out. usually, this results in a better calm and a closer connection. but lately, it's as if the exact opposite happens. ...so i try to understand that as well. but, huh, wouldn't ya know it...that also goes nowhere and plummets me deeper into discontent.
instead of saying 'so be it' and simply ignore that disunderstanding, i am realizing there is a whole. ...and there are many, many parts to that whole. if just some of the parts are out of whack at any given time, then the majority consensus is still at peace with the whole. and that is enough. i should think. things will come back around.
afterall, it is still worth living in the community, is it not? it is so easy to slip back? into my own world...to return to a place that feels steeled. but i'm not sure i want to go there right now. people and circumstances are worth being patient for.
well, it seems these thoughts - really, just the second - has taken me much longer to mull over into rough script than i thought. daybreak has descended (....risen??......hmmm....don't let my mind go there...). time to get up. those first few glances over the fields of crops bathing in the new morning wet...will be glorious.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
warning: this is harsh
i wrote this tonight in response to a sweet friend asking me why i couldn't fall in love over the past four months. the answer came as a release that needed to happen...for me...after my january 10th posting...and it happened hard...harder than ever before...tonight:
((january 3rd was the last time i got to talk to her in person -- in the hospital, after her blood clot to the brain -- with promises we would talk later, about what she wanted to share with us so we could remember her the way SHE wanted us to. november 24th was the first time i really talked to her in 8 months, to hear of the fatal prognosis and her forthcoming battle.))
january 8th i get a horrible call at 4:30 in the morning saying that my mom is in critical condition. i haul ass to long island. i heard on the way that she got better. yet i arrived to the hospital around 1pm to find tubes in her everywhere - EVERYWHERE - and she was drugged subconscious. i could see she wanted to struggle into consciousness...if not just to say goodbye...for good...or maybe say she was scared...or maybe to say she was going to peace...or that she loved me. but she couldn't say anything - those fucking tubes. then i watched her every day thereafter get quieter and quieter -- even though the tubes and drugs made it seem like she was alive and just quite possibly improving. it's amazing what we can hold on to when we really want to. her body was doing strange things...changing for death, yet being forced to live. January 11 at 1pm we pulled the tubes and the medicine. at 5pm, my mom's heart stopped. 3 months exactly after her 66th birthday. 2 months - ONLY 2 months after she was diagnosed with cancer. about a month after she started her chemo treatments that promised to let her be with us for FIVE. MORE. years. January 16th was her funeral. january 20th i drove to rochester. january 23rd my boss was being an asshole and i was fretting i wouldn't have a job when i returned from my mother's memorial. january 27th i drove to long island. January 29th was my mom's memorial. february 5th i return to rochester. february 18 was the bout. february 25th my car was totaled, my dog was injured, i was injured - i just wanted to buy lemons for my sister's birthday present. huh. february 28th was my sister's birthday, the first family holiday without my mom. my sister was so sad. i was sadder...for my sister. february 29th i quit my job. march 2nd and 3rd i said goodbye to my car of 17 years...my foundation, my friend, my gyrl who carried me to my mother's death and back. my car who had the perfect shelf on the back where ramona would lie even though she wasn't 5 months old anymore and could now barely fit (at 70 lbs). but that spot was hers. and that chin rest on the back seat head rest...hers. that car took me and my first dog and cat, now both dead, here in rochester, across the united states for the first of many times...in the sweltering summer...through the south.
march 8th i drove to long island, in good company. march 12...or 13th (timeline is getting fuzzy here) i drove back to rochester. march 24th was a bout. march 25th was a scrimmage i wasn't allowed to skate in because i wasn't fucking good enough. it's march 27th and i do not have a job. my stepfather sits besides himself with grief and responsibility and pretending that everything can stay the same as when my mom was alive. my mom is dead. she is not here. anymore.
((january 3rd was the last time i got to talk to her in person -- in the hospital, after her blood clot to the brain -- with promises we would talk later, about what she wanted to share with us so we could remember her the way SHE wanted us to. november 24th was the first time i really talked to her in 8 months, to hear of the fatal prognosis and her forthcoming battle.))
january 8th i get a horrible call at 4:30 in the morning saying that my mom is in critical condition. i haul ass to long island. i heard on the way that she got better. yet i arrived to the hospital around 1pm to find tubes in her everywhere - EVERYWHERE - and she was drugged subconscious. i could see she wanted to struggle into consciousness...if not just to say goodbye...for good...or maybe say she was scared...or maybe to say she was going to peace...or that she loved me. but she couldn't say anything - those fucking tubes. then i watched her every day thereafter get quieter and quieter -- even though the tubes and drugs made it seem like she was alive and just quite possibly improving. it's amazing what we can hold on to when we really want to. her body was doing strange things...changing for death, yet being forced to live. January 11 at 1pm we pulled the tubes and the medicine. at 5pm, my mom's heart stopped. 3 months exactly after her 66th birthday. 2 months - ONLY 2 months after she was diagnosed with cancer. about a month after she started her chemo treatments that promised to let her be with us for FIVE. MORE. years. January 16th was her funeral. january 20th i drove to rochester. january 23rd my boss was being an asshole and i was fretting i wouldn't have a job when i returned from my mother's memorial. january 27th i drove to long island. January 29th was my mom's memorial. february 5th i return to rochester. february 18 was the bout. february 25th my car was totaled, my dog was injured, i was injured - i just wanted to buy lemons for my sister's birthday present. huh. february 28th was my sister's birthday, the first family holiday without my mom. my sister was so sad. i was sadder...for my sister. february 29th i quit my job. march 2nd and 3rd i said goodbye to my car of 17 years...my foundation, my friend, my gyrl who carried me to my mother's death and back. my car who had the perfect shelf on the back where ramona would lie even though she wasn't 5 months old anymore and could now barely fit (at 70 lbs). but that spot was hers. and that chin rest on the back seat head rest...hers. that car took me and my first dog and cat, now both dead, here in rochester, across the united states for the first of many times...in the sweltering summer...through the south.
march 8th i drove to long island, in good company. march 12...or 13th (timeline is getting fuzzy here) i drove back to rochester. march 24th was a bout. march 25th was a scrimmage i wasn't allowed to skate in because i wasn't fucking good enough. it's march 27th and i do not have a job. my stepfather sits besides himself with grief and responsibility and pretending that everything can stay the same as when my mom was alive. my mom is dead. she is not here. anymore.
one stop shop for all things family
the beauty about roller derby is that you can experience so much of life...all in one place.
i am driven to share this post today because three people of derby (two sisters and a husband and a brother in law) have embarked on creating a new life. i am not very close friends with any of them. in fact, i am relatively new to the roller derby crowd. and as with most things in my life that i can just tell will mean a lot to me...i dip a toe and stay shy, stay quiet, be grossly meek...until i feel it safe and figure out where i belong. but yet, all the meanwhile, externally, i dive right in wanting to be all helpful and important and contribute and all -- because it's clear to me that it's worth it. yes, it makes for a difficult balance...and i feel the scales tipping ALL the time...in both directions. woah.
((why do i always do this to myself? ...her query laced with concern, a hint of frustration, yet always with a devilish eye))
but, with derby, it seems this process of figuring out and opening up...truly joining...has taken a lot longer than i expected. at first i thought this because i was introduced into the world of derby feeling i already had a history there, one not comfortable and out of my control, creating an instant imbalance. but i also think it's because there are so freakin' many facets to this world of derby -- and the fascination in wondering how they fit together...and fit together within me...is outrageous. i now realize it matters not that i need to figure it out...ever. there is room for everything...and nothing is categorized. i love that the boundaries here are open. the puzzle is edgeless.
so i can say that though i don't but barely know them, i DO know that i love them and that my heart joyfully sings out to them...with them...these three people who let derby envelop them and share in with them this special moment.
the family here is huge. and to be part of that is special. to me.
i am driven to share this post today because three people of derby (two sisters and a husband and a brother in law) have embarked on creating a new life. i am not very close friends with any of them. in fact, i am relatively new to the roller derby crowd. and as with most things in my life that i can just tell will mean a lot to me...i dip a toe and stay shy, stay quiet, be grossly meek...until i feel it safe and figure out where i belong. but yet, all the meanwhile, externally, i dive right in wanting to be all helpful and important and contribute and all -- because it's clear to me that it's worth it. yes, it makes for a difficult balance...and i feel the scales tipping ALL the time...in both directions. woah.
((why do i always do this to myself? ...her query laced with concern, a hint of frustration, yet always with a devilish eye))
but, with derby, it seems this process of figuring out and opening up...truly joining...has taken a lot longer than i expected. at first i thought this because i was introduced into the world of derby feeling i already had a history there, one not comfortable and out of my control, creating an instant imbalance. but i also think it's because there are so freakin' many facets to this world of derby -- and the fascination in wondering how they fit together...and fit together within me...is outrageous. i now realize it matters not that i need to figure it out...ever. there is room for everything...and nothing is categorized. i love that the boundaries here are open. the puzzle is edgeless.
so i can say that though i don't but barely know them, i DO know that i love them and that my heart joyfully sings out to them...with them...these three people who let derby envelop them and share in with them this special moment.
the family here is huge. and to be part of that is special. to me.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
a tea morning
today is a tea morning. i felt compelled to offer this. time is short this morning, but it is also misty up top, clear, yet blustry, at the bottom. fresh, nonetheless. and a little less than warm.
but last night. last night. i WAS proud. why do i get emotional at these bouts that i have been producing for the past two ones? maybe because the mix of good for me, for them, for lots of others not even there...it is an awesome blend. roller derby. ah, it gets me every time. but last night...last night....it was orchestrated perfectly. and i was proud. we got to help so many people from so many different places in their lives. ...wanting to offer charity, awareness, homes, music.
wish i could say more, and no doubt i will, but now it's tea, me, the dog, and the trail in the back woods before i head to yet...more....derby. ......mmm....
but last night. last night. i WAS proud. why do i get emotional at these bouts that i have been producing for the past two ones? maybe because the mix of good for me, for them, for lots of others not even there...it is an awesome blend. roller derby. ah, it gets me every time. but last night...last night....it was orchestrated perfectly. and i was proud. we got to help so many people from so many different places in their lives. ...wanting to offer charity, awareness, homes, music.
wish i could say more, and no doubt i will, but now it's tea, me, the dog, and the trail in the back woods before i head to yet...more....derby. ......mmm....
Friday, March 16, 2012
i changed my life today. it took a little more thought, and time, than expected.
my life begins anew today. seriously. that's how it feels. that's how i feel. these past few days have been particularly rough as i've rummaged the decision to release, finally, 6 years -- no, lots, lots more -- of something that has loaded my life, my humour, my conscience, my smile. ah, why can't i tell you what? my intention is not cryptic. and apparently i still need to become a bit more comfortable with this....but i. am. free.
and he was right...it was as ridiculously easy as sending a couple of emails. thank you, gonzolo. our conversation last night was immensurate.
but it wasn't easy...this thing that i did today. when is such a cherished outcome ever easy...or simple? ...or ridiculous?
why do we fight nature so? honestly, what i did today was not an epiphany. it was not a spur of the moment decision. i knew it would make me happy. i knew it. ...so why did it take so long? maybe because 4 months ago, my world, as i live it, was fundamentally, on so many levels, different. my foundation has shifted...in at least 5 ways...and only 2 of which i had control.
"everybody knows we live in a world where we don't give beautiful things a second glance."
that's not me.
and he was right...it was as ridiculously easy as sending a couple of emails. thank you, gonzolo. our conversation last night was immensurate.
but it wasn't easy...this thing that i did today. when is such a cherished outcome ever easy...or simple? ...or ridiculous?
why do we fight nature so? honestly, what i did today was not an epiphany. it was not a spur of the moment decision. i knew it would make me happy. i knew it. ...so why did it take so long? maybe because 4 months ago, my world, as i live it, was fundamentally, on so many levels, different. my foundation has shifted...in at least 5 ways...and only 2 of which i had control.
"everybody knows we live in a world where we don't give beautiful things a second glance."
that's not me.
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