i haven't posted in a while because i thought i needed to somehow culminate the mixed, deep emotions that i'm feeling into something pithy.  fuck that.  there's something about tonight pulling me to share my emotions of today.  just today. and they all happened in the last 3 hours.

first, my pride in my roller derby league travel team is insurmountable today.  there is a gyrl on it, blue, and she is spectacular.  she is a tiny waif of a thing. but she rounds that track...desperately exhausted...and yet she rounds that track. that flopping posture...spectacular.  there is another, beecher.  i aspire to her.  actually, words can't quite express why.  it's not her agility, or prowess, or other such skill.  it's just because of her.

i was happy.

so happy that i stopped by my mom's grave on my way home.  it was dark.  quite dark, with the just old blue moon shadowed slightly by the wisps up there.  i know i found her grave.  it was beautiful.  no marker.  just lilies and a flowering patch of ground cover.  there were other things.  i couldn't see.  it was beautiful.  my mom.

i am in my stepfathers home now.  listening to music so full of my own soul...


 ..............

(((oh, and i got new skates and i saw merby for the first time.  oh!!!)))