who invited the gamers?

"who invited the gamers?" i leaned in to mumble to the newly wed groom -- college professor, fellow hiker, fellow friend -- as we walked arm in arm past the first table we came to in the reception hall; the one closest to the open bar. i can't remember what game was being played, but the die were out.  those sexy, sexy multifaceted die.  many different facets. yum.

"oh you noticed, too, how my students crashed the wedding reception?  i told them: no students allowed; however if a REAL guest were to invite them as their plus one, then all was fair game."

i hugged my friend and he went back to the waiting crowd.

as i sat down in my chair and looked around, i chuckled.  practically all of the costumes were sci-fi- or game-influenced. i loved this.  it was Halloween, afterall. i was a raven. one guest was dorothy, and her mate, the tin man.  she had a real toto.  bitch.  that poor dog was scared almost lifeless.

 weddings. love. you're done then, right?  the groom seemed to agree with this.  i'm not sure i do.


......quick interruption........ ah geez.  i placed my laptop down on the couch to go finish preparing the massive quantity of soup i'm about to freeze.  i come back. dog is on couch.  paw is on keyboard. there's just one line on the page...all d's, the entire width through.  thank goodness for undo. at least the tea mug wasn't tipped. ...........


i have a feeling i am not made for receiving love.  please don't misunderstand.  i feel intense pleasure, intense love, intense sharing of being -- however it comes through giving.  solely.  me reading a story to a child; me housesitting for a friend; me sending off little notes and queries; me touching an other.  i have never been able to receive as such.  is it offered?  i'm not sure.  it hasn't in a very, very long time.  or rather, i don't recognize it as such.  maybe this is more the issue...that i just don't recognize it.  is that the same as not accepting it?

ha! now that i think of it.  an old boyfriend of mine...my first...i do believe he asked me to marry him.  but i didn't recognize it...because he mentioned something something about him and his wife and he was describing what he and i were planning to do in the very near future.  and i think because of that, because i glossed over that moment, he lost his nerve.  i was young.  anyway.  too young.

i really do love giving.  and people taking.  it feel wholesome to contribute.

i've heard so many people say that timing is everything....when it comes to love.  well, i think this is true.  but i don't think love is lost because of time.  it will happen...just in a different moment.